Launching the Campaign

Dear Friends,

We are at the beginning of a campaign that will ultimately change all of our lives. It will lift us up to incredible heights and it will test the limits of our wills. It will seem impossible -- like the forces we are up against are far too great and fearsome ever to yield. But I have hope.

Our purpose here is one-pointed. We vow to utterly defeat Dr. Phil and everything he stands for. We vow to defeat him so completely that he will have never even existed in the first place, backwards in time. It will not be easy, but when confronted with true evil, we cannot sit idly by. We cannot allow such an ugly and annoying man to remain the psychological pillar of our society.

This is a Holy War, and in it we have several weapons at our disposal. First, we will employ science and rigor to expose Dr. Phil's mind-numbing idiocy. With clear, rational thought we will attack Dr. Phil from every conceivable angle. Every word he has spoken or written and his every action will fall to our science and be proven to be stupid.

But we won't end there. We will also employ morality. It is obvious and true that Dr. Phil is immoral. He words are immoral. His actions are immoral. And his thoughts are immoral. We will attack Dr. Phil and show that he is bad in the eyes of the Bible, the Torah, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Buddhist Sutras and many lesser-known scriptures. We will call him 'bad' over and over again until he admits how bad he is.

We will go further still. We will subject Dr. Phil to social ridicule, stripping him of his pride and dignity as he has stripped his victims of theirs. With a rampant disregard for accuracy, we will claim that he is incontinent, that he farts just before leaving a room, and that he buys baby Angora bunnies only to drown them in a bucket. We will claim all these things and more until not a soul alive would been seen with him in public even if doing so would bring peace to all the people in the world, feed the hungry, clothe the naked and guarantee that person great sex for the rest of his or her life.

I am so intensely serious about this that I am running around my house breaking things. It is beginning. I can feel it. We can do this TOGETHER!!!!